Finish with a Finnish

I have met a lot of cute guys in my life up until now, but this one's a catch.

 

As a contemporary and out gay man, I wish to have a lot of fun (huh-uh) during my 20s, to slow down during my 30s and be settled in my 40s. Everytime I encounter a new prospect who has boyfriend potential material, it reminds me that a relationship might be of interest of mine someday.

 

After meeting this overly handsome, educated, sexy, charming, exotic and hypnotizing Finnish dude, I must say I almost fell in love for a second! After sejourning in the lovely province of Alpes-Provence-Côte d'Azur in the South of France with a bunch of friends while visiting Merry who did a student exchange at IDHEC, I had the overwhelming pleasure to meet one of the hottest blondshells ever: a 25 y.o. Finnish dude. Blessed with a rugged masculinity, a tight booty, a baby face, an affection for all things British and refined, a muscular and toned body, Suomi Baby had all the necessary assets to make a gay man go bananas. 

 

If I were just a tad more of a freak, I'd post  a pic of him right here so all of you future readers can judge for yourselves how flawless this beast was but goddamnit you gotta believe me: he was a Nordic God. I have to recount to you every step that led to us meeting and me getting an erection and a heartache (lol).

 

My friend Merry had told me that all the friends she made in Nice were Scandinavians as she barely met any other Quebeccer. I didn't know anything about these friends and didn't know which country in Scandinavia they were from, which gender they were, how old they were or any other basic fact I should have known. Merry had talked about Suomi Baby a few times but claiming he was going out with her chubby friend (a girl) from Toronto.

 

I assumed he was straight and had a penchant for embedded girls. I later learned that despite them being rumored as "dating", their lips had never locked and they had never engaged into anything sexual. I saw him for the first time for a few seconds at Fatty Fat Fat's appartment late one night while Merry, Cherryka, Jizz and I were chatting, drinking and chilling. I immeditaly fell shy of becoming awkward and clumsy due to his magnetic presence and charm. I acted as if I couldn't care less but was actually extremely curious about him and thought he looked a bit gay (more than a bit actually).

 

The day after I tried my best to hide my interest and made an attempt at acquiring more info regarding that Scandinavian hunk through Merry. She informed me that he identified as bisexual, owned a company, was wealthy, a tad superficial but overall very very nice. All of these infos made me go nuts as I dreamed of having raunchy rooftop sex overlooking the Mediterranean Sea with him (LOL)! We met again for a second time but barely talked. The third time we met, I had the ultimate pleasure to sit next to him and asked him a billion questions about him.

 

If I am not mistaken, I felt as if he might have been slightly charmed by me as well as he would ask me stuff about my life, Quebec and other facts surrounding my "Chinese World Tour" as I like to call it. We discussed everything from Music to working out, Finland to Quebec, snus to alcohol, Nice to Merry and so on and so forth. I never dared to ask him anything regarding his sexuality or even coming close to the topic but overheard him talk about a past relationship of his which was with a man.

 

I was incredibly delighted by his presence and hoped something sexual (or a cheesy makeout session) would be the outcome of that night. All of us then went to a crowded nightclub in old Nice and that's when things got awkward. As a cold and frigid Finnish, he could not bust a move nor seem to enjoy himself in a nightclub. He then wanted to impress us by purchasing a Champagne bottle and share with us. I tried my best to act as if I weren't shy and didn't care that much about him but was actually trying to figure out any ways I could get into his pants. The night ended up boringly and abruptly when we all left the club and he simply told me: "have a good night and I hope we'll meet again".

 

As part of my new "macho-wannabe" philosophy, I responded by a nonchalant "we sure will, good night to you too". What was really disappointing is that we never saw each other again and I left for Barcelona two days later. Since then, I've been under his spell and thought about him! I added him on Facebook but we never wrote to each other. Nothing will never happen between us but I'll keep this encounter as a hell of a good traveling souvenir for years to cum! If I could, I would undeniably finish what I had started with that Finnish if you know wut I mean...

 

BTW: My friend Merry told me just recently that she thinks he might have been interested by me and that it could have worked out between us. Just too bad!

 



Weirdest Date Bar None

I really need to leave this out in the open so that everybody else who's been through something that weird and incomprehensible can relate.

Okay so two weeks ago, I was surfing the web and gathering info about the latest trends in gay social medias and life in general. I was also looking for events to be held in the cities I will visit in the up and coming next two months. That's how I got to know about the Gay Circuit of Barcelona and got to see that it was sponsored by a new gay dating site called Gaydar.net.

Despite what some of you may think, I'm not writing this down to criticize gaydar, nor say that it's the best dating engine I've ever used but mainly to retell you about my latest date gone weird.

So after taking a brief look at the gaydar.net website, I felt like it was pretty darn awesome and user-friendly and I felt like joinning right away -which I did. I built up my profile hoping it was attractive enough to bring me as many potential dates and handsome studs as possible.

I thought it looked pretty great and that my chances were fairly higher than before at aiming my goal of finding the perfect combination of cuteness, sexiness and compatibility ever possible between two men.

After only one day, a few guys had already written to me and thus made my day since I desperately needed something new in my life and by that I mean some pizzazz. A few good-looking men wrote to me and I was taken aback by how easy it seemed to be dating on this website. Perhaps that website increased our gaydars or actually acted as a radar to spot the most edible men in our nearby area.

While I checked out the list of online members, my attention was brought to a young Lebanese man's profile (I know, again!)! I instantly fell for his picture and profile and thought to myself how hot he looked. I secretly wished to get a date with a guy like that but didn't go on to write to him.

Later that day I received an inbox by no one else but that same hot Lebanese guy. Glad was I to notice his interest in me which was darn reciprocal!

Anyways, to make a long story short, we shitchatted a few days in a row, talking about who we were, what we did for a living, what kind of lifestyle we had, as well as hobbies, ambitions and things we liked in a guy. For one of the first times ever, I thought we might really get along well and couldn't wait for us to meet. I proposed him to meet me on a date during the upcoming weekend and he strangely replied: "a hookup is easy to get, no?!" I couldn't help but find that really weird and asked what he meant and he said he wanted something serious and not to simply hook up with me.

I don't know what went wrong but that friday night he insisted on meeting me at midnight! I couldn't believe it! That hot guy who wanted to take things slow and vouched for something serious was inviting me over at midnight! That sounded like a hell of a booty call to me! Of course, being horny and titillate by him, I didn't even hesitate for a second and googled his adress and hopped there in a New York minute!

Not only was this stud supposedly looking for something serious and not wanting to hookup but had still invited me over at midnight, the first thing I noticed when he opened the door was that he was in fact greeting me clad with solely his undies on! He was staring at me like he couldn't wait until our lips locked and he could devour that trout pout of mine.

It wasn't long till I got down to my undies as well and was making out intensely and intensively with that hunky-dory Lebanese baklava! He seemed to be unbelievably crazy about me; the way his eyes gazed into mine and how he kissed me and talked about my body and everything. For a minute there, I truly thought we might become an item in the future despite him knowing I'd be outta town for thow months straight. We remained interleaved onto one another for four hours in a row until I realized it was 4 o'clock in the morning and my bed was making a long-distance call for me to hurry the hell back home and get some rest.

I waved him goodbye and left. I was sure it was a sureshot and I'd finally get a successful shot at love just like Tila Tequila. The following day, I was both merry and nervous about how things would turn out between us. I kept wondering if he shared the same level of joy than me about our night of sweet talk. I logged on my Facebook in order to chat with him later that evening. I said hi and immediately told him I had had a blast with him and hoped it was reciprocal.

Now guess what the bastard replied?!!! He said: "yes I had a good time too.... But I need to tell you we're incompatible Rodzilla... we're sexually incompatible, as much as I wanted to be and tried to be with you, we're not"!!!!

Damn can you believe such a hot-blooded lover could turn into a cold-blooded respondent? I couldn't believe my eyes when I read his message and thought he must've felt some kind of shame or discontentment after our inflamed night together.

I wouldn't take such bullshit and I wouldn't remain speechless even if I faced such a ridiculous situation and I told him that I thought he was full of shit and couldn't pull his shit together in order to be a man about the situation. How could someone who was so crazy about you tell you that you are incompatible the day after?! I don't get it. I guess he actually wanted a hookup and was so full of shit he'd rather lie about it and pretend he wanted a relationship instead! Or maybe he wants to think of himself as being that nice guy who has principles and thorough values!

Wutevah, Rodzilla is fed up and leaving hella soon! Fuck'em baklavas, I'm done with'em! Trust me, they all have small penises and will treat you like shit, beware of them! Keep away from them!

Beware of baklavas... STAY AWAY FROM THEM!

Stress, Final Exams and Lack of Sex (or Love Life)

I'm writing this down for all of us who are in this ugly period called "final examinations" where we're all so stressed and tensed that a shortage of coffee could lead all of us to a breakdown. I'm one of you, don't worry! It's been two weeks that I haven't really slept and in fact, I was so exhausted two days ago that I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 11am the next day!!! I guess that's undeniable evidence that I was deceased! Can you believe that I slept 17 hours straight?! Lol I guess I needed it!

 I'm also writing this down for all the people who have never been to University or College and think students are lazy and not doing shit. Think again 'cause you should face the facts: these students will have been to school something like five more years than you and have studied subjects a lot more difficult and abstract than High School's gym classes. We should (I'd like to write "will" but it would be too utopic) have higher salaries, social advantages and bonuses than you either. Which is the main reason why school is a good avenue to encounter when you're not ready to hit the freeway.

How To Make Love Like A Porn Star : I'll Tell You

I finally went through this whole book yay! After four months of readin it part-time, I've managed to read it all! It's frigging long lemme tell ya lol! I love reading but I don't like reading books that have more than 400 pages ya know. Anyways, I oughtta tell you that that was über-good and delighting! I know a lot of people might think like Oh my God! A book about a porn star who tries to tell her that she has done the right choices in life, how satanic! But hey, it's really interesting to get to know what kind of world and universe the porn industry is. It's a whole other thing in there; it has nothing to do with our little conventional lives, trust me!

Jenna Jameson begins her book by saying that the memoir presents her "more nakked than [she]'s ever allowed herself to be seen. Neither [her] father nor [her] husband have been privy to these experiences; they have been a burden and a blessing for [her] to carry alone". I think that means a lot coming from a woman who's been buck naked on the cover of thousands of magazines, films and billboards. She also adds that the "cautionary tale" is a "shocking tale, but is also one of hope and beauty". That pretty much summarizes what I think of the book as a whole; it contains truthful sad stories and pitiful childhood and teenage experiences which have led her to become confused and along with her not-so-caring upbringing and wicked association with die-hard people swept her into considering stripping and doing porn as a career path for herself.

Despite all you can hear about porn stars of even Jenna Jameson herself, I do believe she is a smart woman just by the way she ratiocinates and she bethinks herself and her anterior decisions. The book contains hundreds of photos of her as a child, teenager, young adult, stripper, porn star, her with friends and family, with job acquaintances and some of her mother. There are also some cartoons of her as a stripper with some tips about the dos and don'ts of  the so-called "occupation". Similar to what a lot of people think, I believe that one of the reasons why she decided to undertake porn as a journey to "sanitize" herself from drugs and men was exactly because of the same reasons she had those problems: she had no self-esteem and was deprived from self-respect. I need to point out the fact that she has been raped two times; once when she was a teenager and was living in Montana, she's been raped by a bunch of guys from her High School who were supposed to "lift" her home and one other time by her boyfriend's stepfather. Can you believe?! That's truly awful and sorrowful!

The "porn star look"

Throughout the years, Jenna Jameson or Jenna Massoli (her real name) went on to become the most famous and recognized porn star of all time thanks to her "hard work" (literally) and determination because honestly, we really gotta give it to her; she's devoted herself into her work and despite the fact that it's porn and not seen as glorious or beneficial to society in terms of surival and sustainability, it can be considered as art or a form of modern way to study Anthropology. I'm sure you all laughed after reading that last sentence but sincerely, it is true that depending from which country you originate, you won't have the same sexual practices of vision of sexuality as a whole!



Jenna and her "golden globes"

 Being originally from "fabulous" Las Vegas, Nevada, Jameson's mother died of cancer when she was two years old and after her death, her traumatized father has never been able to cope with his mourning and never took care of his children properly. Jameson moved from state to state and coast to coast each year of her childhood and teens and has had numerous stepmothers. She started taking drugs such as Cocaine and LSD when she was still a teenager and starting stripping at the age of 17 when she still had dental braces. She wrote in her book that she was fed up of her braces at one point so she removed them herself with needlenose pliers, one word: OUCH! She was a notorious stripper at Las Vegas's "Crazy Horse Too" strip club and eventually went on to work as a nude model. Being involved in a tumultuous relationship with her then-boyfriend Jack, she fought everyday and began to be seriously addicted to meth which gave her energy and forbade her from having a proper diet and healthy lifestyle. A couple of months of consuming meth on a daily basis turned Jameson into a bag of bones with her 5'7" frame being supported by 76 lbs of remaining vital muscles, blood and bones. She says it herself that it is a miracle that she didn't die at that point.

The book ends after Jameson got married to her boyfriend named Jay (which she divorced not long after) and she implemanted her own business called Club Jenna which enables her to produce her own porn movies, have her own sexual toy lines and much more. Nowadays, Jenna Jameson doesn't act in porn movies anymore and wished to never do it again. She says she's done with that. Sincerely, I would highly recommand it to anyone who's ever wondered what it was like to be a porn star. Just imagine it for a minute, it seem cool lol! You get paid to look fierce and caliente, have sex with raunchy people on camera and cum during the whole day... Okay I know this is a very irrational and dreamy version of it but still, it can't all be as bad as we might think.

It is not that "hard" to be a porn star: if you're a man, just spray tan yourself like a guido, take a shitload of proteins or steroids to boost your muscles, wear a "cock ring", pop viagra and make primate-like sounds and groan when you fuck and there you go, you're a male porn star!

But if you're a woman, that's different; you need to die your hair yellow-blond, get gigantic boob implants, tone a bit on the stomach but keep a chubby ass so that it will giggle when you have sex, paint your lips red and get fake, long nails just to add a cheaper look to your "sex appeal". You also need to swallow, wear a lot of makeup, act submissive and easy and there you go, you're a female porn star!!! It's magical lol!

--> I'm glad to post this a day after Valentine's Day to show you how I don't give a crap about it. To me, Valentine's Day is a commercial celebration intended to make flowers, chocolate, underwear and restaurant sales boom after Christmas. I'm sorry to put it that way but it's true! Plus I've never been in a relationship during Valentine's Day so it simply reminds me how much of an eternal single I am and also reminds me of my ex since he was born on February 14th! What kind of a crappy day is it?! Plus I had two Midterm exams yesterday so lemme tell ya one thang: brotha had shit on his mind and wasn't feeling festive at all! I agree with people who say that if you really love your partner, you should tell him/her everyday instead of waiting until February 14th (which can be long if you met the person at the end of the February haha) and then by him/her a shitload of chocolate (which will make him/her gain pounds and become soft), or flowers or anything other thing that won't be in special at that time 'cause it is intended to bring companies profits at that particular time. It will hurt both your wallet, you stomach and your date so, FUCK IT!

Song of the Week (Feb 14 (!) to Feb 20)

This is a song I've been hearing on the radio since a good while now but I never got to listen to it on Youtube or download it since I didn't know the title (even though it's obvious) and always forgot to go check it online. I think it's a beautiful love song but I never thought the clip would be like that! Like seriously! It doesn't match the song at all! I would've imagined something cheesy and sugary like a Beyoncé or Mariah video but not a teaser-clip with a fat guy acting all goofy and clumsy!!! That's funny! I like the fact that they didn't take the song too seriously and it makes me realize that love is not just about being perfect with one another, being beautiful and flawless and acting all cheesy as if your relationship had been manufactured in a Mattel factory.

Love is also about friendship, goofiness, funny jokes and moments, intimacy, complicity and letting go of all things too business and society-pre-established rigid molds. I'm all about feeling free with one another, caring and confiding into one another lol! And as the singer says it at the beginning of the clip; she was interested by him even though he wasn't her "type" at all which means you shouldn't label your future love according to his/her skin colour, religion, ethnicity, weight (that one is for me), height or hair or eye colour. It's about diversity and taste! By taste I mean tasting new stuff. Like even if you're attached to the Dairy Queen's delicious ice cream cones, you can still go try the new McFlurry at McDonald's ya know?! Lol I love my bad metaphors! Anyways guys, enjoy this song 'cuz it's my Valentine's Day present to all of you past, current and future readers!

--> "Fallin' For You" by Colbie Caillat:

Cut Tha Shit

Lemme make it clear to you right away, this is and will be my most disgusting article EVER lol!!! I know, I know, you might be scared but hey, it's worth it.

So what I really wanna discuss here is when one is having a lil' problem with his rear end while on a date. What  I mean by this is when you're on a date (or a hook up) and everything is apparently going on just fine when suddenly, pop! you feel your stomach gasping and reprimanding you for what you have just eaten. In most cases, we call this gas, in some moderate cases, it can occur as constipation but hey in severe cases, one can experience friggin' DIARRHEA on a date!!!!

That's gross and hell, I know it! I've actually had that issue when I was on a very stressful date three years ago. I had been seduced by an obnoxious, over-the-top diva called Jean-Charles who was everything but pleasant. The dude always called his buddies and well, everybody "Coco" but what was über-irritating was his complete non-sense of saying "Chaboom" to anything cool or nice that you'd say. I could barely stand it!

Anyways, I need to tell y'all that even if I wasn't truly interested about him, I nonetheless felt a lil' something about having been approached by him since he was quite good-looking and had a nice pâté (and a tight ass). Though I never thought even for one second that I could bear being called "Coco" and having to add "Chaboom" to my everyday slang. So as we were on our second shitty date -like, literally- we went shopping and as a cheap bastard than I am, didn't buy anything lol! He or I could almost say she, didn't buy anything either and acted like a Hollywood starlet all the time which made me feel bored and annoyed. As we were about to end our shit, we went to eat lunch at the Food court of a downtown mall. I had tortellini with rosé sauce and ate it faster than when a woman ovulates.

Thereafter, we started chatting about him (of course, in his book, he was so interesting and amazing) which bored the shit out of me and combined with the pastas, tossed the shit out of me. I quickly started having gases and had the worst stomach-ache ever. I think they'd grade up for a 10 on the Richter scale haha! The worst part of the story is that I think he noticed my internal digestion. In this kind of situation, St-Lawrence would say "cut the crap" as he likes to quote that in order to finish something as quick as possible. But in this case, I really needed to "cut the shit" as I needed to evacuate my guts out. I excused myself, went to the bathroom and shitted for like 35 minutes!!!!!!!! Afterwards when I came back to the table he said "man that was long"! I lied and said I had gotten lost trying to find the restrooms! Our date ended a few minutes after and we never met together again!

Furthermore, if y'all need to poop on a date, end it up before shitting. Find an excuse to simply withdraw from the date instead of going to the bathroom for hours and coming back to your date with a shitty excuse. You should literally, cut the shit and leave. Especially if you're a gay man or a lesbian since your mate can accompany you to the same bathroom! Plus please, please, PLEASE, don't have sex if you have haemorrhoids or diarrhea, THAT'S NASTY!!!

I'll end up in beauty with a lovely picture that I found on the net that best expresses what laxative food and drinks such as Coke can make you experience:

Lovely way to "evacuate the dancefloor"

Drag Behaviour

I dated a drag queen last February.

You know how it goes with relationships, you never really know neither what’s happening nor what is about to happen but I think nothing can be more miscellaneous and hazardous than my relationship with that Drag Queen lol!

Her/his name is inspired by his/her native Caribbean island which is the same than Rihanna (Barbados); so let's call that Drag Queen "La Isla Bonita". So everything started when I attended a show at Le Cabaret Mado last February. He/she spotted me in the crowd and went dancing with me and we chatted. He/she/it seemed interested and aroused by me. I felt very flattered and thought about the same regarding him since he/she had a very edible pâté and a Nutella skin tone. Aside from Nutella Versace, Nutella turns me on.

So we sort of flirted and I went to one of his parties (I think I already told you previously). Naïve as I am, I believed we could take that soon-to-be relationship to the next level as he/she had an undergraduate diploma, a full-time job and seemed to quite serious for a Drag Queen. I asked him/her out next week after the party and he/she completely ditched me. I was mad. He/she then texted me and excused him/herself for the inconvenience. I was still upset so I just told him I was going to Vancouver and Seattle the same week so we wouldn’t meet before at least two weeks or so.

He/she never called my back and to be honest, neither did I. I was just too upset about having been ignored so gnarly. I felt like it was his/her turn to contact me. This never happened so we ended up never talking to each other from then until yesterday night! Yup lol, we finally saw each other again. Actually it wasn’t even intentional ‘cuz we had gone to the Cabaret just to have a blast since Fabulous Andy had a friend of hers dancing in the “So We Think We Can Dance” Drag cover. What’s just weird is that “La Isla Bonita” acknowledged my presence in the audience and greeted me during the show, went to chat with me (though very quickly) after it and seemed to be almost glad to see me.

What’s so awkward is that he/she then left the stage and dance floor to go hide backstage. I then saw him/her again as he/she was leaving and he/she totally ignored me and almost looked repentant speaking with me twice in one evening. From now on, I added a rule to my “Misfortune Dating Guide” which goes as follows: “Thou shalt not date nor copulate with a Drag Queen, ye ol’ Stick shalt keep asleep when in presence of they”.

That’s all for now folks, hope you enjoyed the article. I need to mention though that I do not dislike Drag Queens; they’re very entertaining and shit but when it comes to a serious date or potential boyfriend, things get fucked up and I’m never sure of how to act with them: they’re big Drama Queens. The only Drag Queens that seem datable would be RuPaul and NYC’s Hedda Lettuce.

Hedda Lettuce

RuPaul André Charles